I wish that i could find all the right words to say. But trust me if you were inside my head youd be so incredibly heartbroken. Heartbroken to see what all you’ve done. The pain you caused and how long its taken to recover. Or maybe you’d laugh and mock the fact that i’ve let this whole thing win. That i let it take over so much of me that i couldn’t even go on.
I wish that i could wish you well. Wish you happiness and joy and all those sweet things that people do as time goes by. But i cant. Theres so much resentment. Theres so much hurt. I wish so much that i could just explain to you what my life has been since you left it. But honestly i probably couldnt form the words because i dont even know where it went. This past year has been the hugest blur. I wake up some days and completely forget where i am or what im doing. Its sad. Because it has been so long. It really has. And thats my problem. I dont let go. I dont know how to say shit failed. Shit went wrong. I just remember spending christmas alone. and easter with brady because your family decided to show up to the marina. I remember running to the sliding glass door to watch your jeep pull up to the house. I remember the sound of your feet coming to the door and the excitement that would immediately consume my whole body and how emotionless you were when i greeted you. I remember crying and begging to be told that things were gone. Nothing was the same. Begging for the truth about our compatibility. I just looked like the hugest idiot. Especially towards the end. With all my attempts at rekindling what had died out so long ago. It just sucks ya know? Wondering why things happen the way they do.. Or adapting to life without someone you planned your life around. It angers me at how quickly you adapted. You moved on so fast and i couldnt wrap my mind around how.. I convinced myself that i could fly back there and make you fall in love with me. Mistake. Im such a romantic i believed i could have some fairy tale ending. I just havent been able to find myself. I havent been able to feel ALIVE since i left there. The first time and the second. I had to get so drunk so i wouldnt be able to feel a damn thing when that train arrived. All i remember is you saying “babe, your train is here” and honestly that made me want to throw up more hearing you call me babe. Calling me the term that indicates a relationship. That indicates love. I woke up in chicago still out of it and remember my stomach sinking because i knew that was probably the last time id be telling you goodbye. Much less seeing you. Yes, you are emotionless when it comes to this situation but just understand i didnt have the time that you did to get over it. I wasnt aware that you werent in love with me anymore. I mean you showed it in every way you possibly could but i wasnt ready to give up without a fight. Why didnt you just say it? ya know? why cant people just say its done. Actually you did say it, but then hours or days later youd revise your previous statement and come up with some excuse why you said the things you did. I dont think you understand how badly you fucked me up. I think you just handle things so lightly that way you dont have take any blame. Because well, youre never wrong. I loved you with every inch of me, and it was too late. I get that. But what we went through together the distance. The parents hating me. The hiding from them. Starting from scratch and making something for ourselves. We did that. Ya know? And i know you probably think you did it. But i was there too. I helped. It was the both of us. I think you just have this image of me. Im not sure what it is. Maybe that im crazy? Or that i was too controlling.. But honestly i couldnt even function when i saw everything going down the drain. I was a mess. I couldnt even get through a shift at work without crying because i knew it was ending. I couldnt even get you to hold me. Or kiss me. You found me repulsive in every aspect of the word. And im not sure what i did to make you think that way of me? Im not even sure you know what i did.. And maybe it wasnt even something i did. Maybe it was just you werent in love anymore so you felt trapped and it angered you. But you couldve just told me. You couldve just said you werent attracted to me anymore. Or whatever. Thats what still gets me. Is that i spent two years of my life planning things with you. And falling in love with you and we were so close to each other. We did everything together. We were so damn comfortable walk around naked whatever. ha. But i couldnt get you to just tell me it was over? Ya know? was i not deserving? all of these questions will always be unanswered. I know that. And thinking about it all is pointless but i guess just writing it all down helps. Because its what goes on in my head on a daily basis. When i lost you.. I lost our apt. I lost the love of my life. I lost the life i had built there. I lost my dog. I lost my comfort zone and its like i was completely erased from your memory. I was just a page ripped out from your story. And its got me going crazy. I think about you all the time how youre doing. If youre okay. How baxter is doing. Whats your life like. When i hear its raining i think “she better be safe in that stupid stick shift” During winter i was worried you would drink and drive. Like what the fuck. Why do i worry? Why do i care? You used to ask.. but honestly because you were part of my life for so long. We didnt just date here and there. We played house. Way too young. We were practically married. Attached at the hip. Rings and all. And you expect me to not wonder? To not worry about your well being? Because its over? It didnt happen like that for me. And it will probably take years before i stop wondering how you are. Or if youre doing well. That may have went away for you but it didnt for me. I wish i could still see you and make you laugh and just fuck around with you. But then i remember we couldnt stand to be near one another by the end of it all.. Id say two words and you were ready to cut my head off. I hate the way everything has happened. I hate the way you made me feel so inadequate that i cant be in another relationship without questioning what they feel for me. I hate that you ended up with HER. I hate that you act like we never met. I hate that i dont have my dog anymore. I hate that i dont live there anymore. I hate that i had to come home and explain what happened. I hate that its been a year and i still feel so terrible over it all with questions. I hate that i cant just talk to you about whats going on in my life. I hate that we went from I love yous to hey its been awhile how are you? I hate that i still find so much beauty in you even though you were the epitome of evil. I just cant stand the fact that i didnt have enough of an impact on you to make you want to stay friends. Like its not like i fucked you over and you left me. I sat around for months trying with everything in me and you wouldnt have it. Then on top of it all. Left me. Then i go back 6 moths later. We cry. Say i love yous. Act like a couple. Then gone again. It was so dragged out. I dont know. I just wish i could run to grand haven and rent a movie and lay in bed all night. Or log onto movie2k and watch whatever was good quality. I want to play halo and get pissed that you kick my ass every time. I want angel hair pasta. I want to hear you say ohhhh baby girlll like dolly fucking parton. I want to make the ugliest faces ever for ten straight minutes and have you bust up laughing at me. I just want to be friends. I just want to have you enjoy my company the way i enjoyed yours. Before everything went wrong. People can end and change and still remain close. I dont know. Its not ideal. but it does happen. You were just so special to me. And i loved you so much. It sucks that youre gone. It sucks that youve made this image of me that im something terrible or something not worth your time. I know if i saw you face to face theres no way in hell youd walk past me without a word. No chance in hell. Its you.. And its me. We were close for 2yrs+ Theres no need for all the detachment but whatever.. All these questions and hoping and wishes arent going to change what happened and i have to realize that things are fine, Im fine, I date, I hook up, Im moving forward. So i cant keep living in my past and trying to make sense of it all. You know me though, I just dont let go if things are left unsaid or unanswered i ask and ask and ask and you never had an answer so i doubt you do now. When we were in the midst of ending it all you used to tell me im sorry im just not an emotional/affectionate person. And id call your bluff and say you used to be all about me. Couldnt keep your hands off me. And youd say no im not that person thats just not me babe but it doesnt mean i dont love you thats just not how i am.. And whats fucked up is i starting backing off like wow maybe thats just not how she is anymore.. And then bam, youve fallen for her. And you have all kinds of emotions. I dont know. Im just an idiot. And i miss you. And my dog. And the trees. And the greenery. And speedway slurpees. And taking you taco bell on your break at dicks. Lmao or watching you act like you knew how to tech out a bike. Or watching you all excited because you sold a protection plan on a treadmill. fucccccck. I dont know. shits just dumb. I dont like losing people that knew me. I dont let very many people know who i really am and open up so when i do i guess i expect for a lifetime. My mistake.
Woaaaaah. This will probably be deleted soon. I just full on vented. And look ridiculous. Work tomorrow. must.sleep.
"I’m a space bound rocket ship and your heart’s the moon. And I’m aiming right at you"
"So after a year and six months, its no longer me that you want."
"To think in terms of either pessimism or optimism oversimplifies the truth. The problem is to see reality as it is."